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I'm seeing a stage adaptation of "Bartleby the Scrivener" today.… - Dead Letter Office [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
I would prefer not to

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[Mar. 25th, 2007|10:05 am]
I would prefer not to
deadlettroffice
[oblomova]
I'm seeing a stage adaptation of "Bartleby the Scrivener" today.

I'll be thinking of wouldprefernot2.

We all miss you, pal. Don't worry, if the show sucks, I'll tear them a new one.
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[User Picture]From: merde
2007-03-26 04:14 pm (UTC)
let us know how it is. i've thought of wouldprefernot2 quite a bit recently, since his passing was one of the factors that contributed to the long, terrible bout of depression i'm just now coming out of. though i didn't know him well, he and i were going through much the same sort of thing in the months before he died. it's rare that i encounter anyone who's been as deep in the lair of the black dog as i have, and though i wouldn't wish it on anyone, it helped, at least a little, to know there was someone who knew how it felt.

when he died, it hit me pretty hard. one of the things you have to cling to when you're that far down is that things will get better, that they have to get better because they can't get worse. to me, his death seemed like proof that they might not get better, that they could get worse -- it was the ultimate demonstration of "life's a bitch and then you die."

and things did get worse for me too; while i came out of it alive, my life did completely fall apart around me; i lost my best friend, my father, my job, and my home, and wound up borrowing money to haul only what would fit in a 4x8' trailer halfway across the country to stay with very generous friends -- who gave me until the end of this month to get my shit together, get a job, and find another place to live.

i get my first paycheck on Wednesday, and i move into my new apartment on Sunday. i'm starting over with almost nothing -- books, clothes, cookware, and cats, i don't even own a chair or a bed -- and i feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes, finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel (although there's $50k in debt trying to drag me back down).

i wish he could be here to see it. i wish he'd had the chance to make it out of that pit himself. i wish the world were a fairer place.

i don't know what else to say.
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From: oblomova
2007-03-27 12:39 am (UTC)
I'm glad you shared this, and I hope things do get better for you. New starts are hard, but sometimes they are the only things that can save us. I moved back to Chicago almost seven years ago when my father was dying and I had no idea if I'd find writing work or any kind of work I liked. It was hard, but I think if I'd stayed in the Bay Area I would have killed myself, frankly.

In a weird way, I think being an atheist has helped me through the bad times, because I don't get mad at God for not keeping up "his end of the bargain." But you are absolutely right that it's hard to believe things get better when for so many good people like Jeff they just spiral downward. He just wasn't a complainer, and I don't know how he managed to not do that, because I whine if I split a fucking fingernail.
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